Why do I have a hard time listening to my wife?

Listening is the key to making every relationship work. Marriages, in particular, require it to thrive. But listening is a skill, one that needs to be developed and honed. It doesnt come easy to people, particularly men who may find it unnatural to be still and let in someone elses words. Were compelled to analyze, argue, interject, react, joke, or do whatever it takes to make our voices heard and, consciously or not, assert dominance. Thats true for almost any conversation, from business meetings to negotiating details for an oil change. Its why all the crosstalk and yelling on ESPNs Sportscenter speaks to us on a primal level.

But if you cant listen, your partner isnt being heard. And partners who arent being heard dont stay around deaf ears for two long. So what are some signs you need to listen more? We asked a variety of relationship and communication experts for the top indicators. If youre worried your listening is lacking or just want to improve on the skill you should listen to their advice.

You Talk More Than Your Partner

If youre talking, youre not listening. If youre talking more than she is, its a really obvious sign, says Susan Quilliam, relationship coach and author of book Stop Arguing, Start Talking. Obvious though it may seem, its a common mistake. Men often think theyve heard enough to understand their partners meaning and move on to a next step. But theyre probably understanding less than they think and are definitely missing the real goals of a conversation. So learn to pause and let your partner speak. The first rule of listening is to take the gaffer tape and apply it over your mouth, Quilliam says.

Every Conversation Goes to 11

When couples communicate exclusively through yelling, its a huge red flag that someone isnt being heard. When people dont feel heard or understood, they work harder to make themselves known, usually by becoming increasingly passionate aka angry, says Lisa Marie Bobby, psychologist and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. You may shrug off the heat by saying youre passionate people with a tendency to run hot. But try being quiet and see what changes. If your wife feels like the door is shut and shes not getting through to you, knocking on the door turns into pounding on the door, Bobby adds. If your wife or partner is angry with you it is because she is feeling unheard, uncared for, or that you are not being responsive to her.

Your Partner Stops Speaking Freely Around You

If your partner decides to not listen to you, youll notice a sharp change in topics under discussion around the house. Transactional conversations about household tasks and responsibilities edge out conversations about what the two of you are feeling and thinking. Consciously or not, your wifes decided youre a lost cause. She has given up believing that this can be different, Bobby says. The most dangerous phase of a failing marriage is the part where one of you is silently deciding that the other will ever be the partner that they want and need, and the other doesnt recognize that multi-level withdrawal for what it is.

You Dont Try to Quiet Your Mind When They Talk

Listening can be very difficult, especially when people are talking truthfully about emotional topics. Because people havent sorted through everything theyre thinking and feelings, so the words come out slowly or a little jumbled (its hard to form thesis statements when youre upset). Waiting for someone to work through what theyre feeling requires a lot of patience and self control. Your mind will want to wander away from what the speakers talking and toy around with easier, faster-moving, more comfortable thoughts. But you have to fight that overwhelming impulse to retreat into yourself and let the conversation be about your partner. Effective listeners take their ego and put it on the shelf, says Leslie Shore, author Listen to Succeed. Theres always a film of ego that gets all over whats coming into you as a listener. This is where the biggest amount of practice is needed. The way you know thats happening is that you have mind chatter. The moment that you have mind chatter, you need to put the ego aside and start listening.

You Cant Stop Dominating Conversations

This isnt true of all people but generally, men and women approach conversations differently. Very often, male conversation is combative rather than collaborative, Quilliam says. Men learn that if they dont speak, nobody listens to them or takes them seriously. Whereas women learn is that its a good thing to give the other person space. After a quarter of a lifetime feeling like you need to win every conversation youre in, it can be hard to adjust your style. But if you dont, your partner is likely to withdraw from you. If you are telling your story and someone gives advice or tells a relatable story or seems to judge you, you stop talking, says Rochester, NY marriage therapist Jodi Aman. You not only stop sharing, but you feel worthless and invalidated.

You Rush Towards Solutions

Weve all rolled our eyes at sitcom relationship problems getting resolved by men learning they need to let women talk about their problems and not just solve their problems. Its become a cliche, but its grounded in truth about how men and women communicate. Women listen for emotion and men listen for facts and how they can fix, Shore says. You dont need to ditch the masculine search and solve impulse altogether. Just work on your timing and understand that efficiency shouldnt be your goal. Women often prefer conversations to gradually build to a conclusion after each partner takes turns and invites the other to share Quilliam likened the process to foreplay. Remember: not every conversation can be a quickie. Helping her to find solutions about two hours earlier than shes ready to find solutions isnt really helping her, she says.

Everythings Always About You

When your partner is sharing an emotionally charged story, it can be helpful to share a personal story that relates to their experience. But no matter how applicable the anecdote, you cant launch into whenever you want. The moment you do so, youre taking the reins of the moment. You are telling your partner that their trauma, passion or excitement is secondary to the thing that you felt. There will be a right time to tell your story and, Quilliam says, the right time to tell it is when your partner asks to hear it. Drawing parallels to provide a link for someone elses experience is often good, she says. Drawing parallels between experience where it sounds a little bit as if one is competitive.

You Lead with Judgment

When bad listeners hear about problems, theyre quick to critique and eager to tell you where you went wrong. No matter how insightful or useful the advice is, no one wants to hear it straight away. Offer validation rather than trying to find ways she needs to behave differently, Quilliam says. [Solutions] can happen in the solutions stage. But at first she needs to know its ok to divulge it. Finding faults too fast is almost always an ill-advised conversation gambit. But the problem is magnified when a husband does it to his wife. In doing so, you stop being the suave, cool competent guy they fell in love with and become the angry dad they hoped they left behind. Its very patriarchal, Quilliam says. Its putting here in the position of a child and the person who needs help. It takes away the equality in the relationship.

You Always Fill Silences

People can get nervous during lulls in conversations. Without conscious thought, they fill the space with quick words lacking impact or meaning. But often its better to leave that space unfilled. That silence can have great value for your partner as a time to catch their breath and process what youve been talking about, what theyre thinking, and what they want to say. Your nervous interjection can be keeping your partner from getting to the next step. She may need time to reflect, Quilliam says. Listening is not just paying attention. Its helping her to understand in terms she didnt understand before. Talking isnt only letting off steam or only telling a story. Its allowing the other person to make sense of what happens.

Your Body Language Is Off

You dont have to maintain eye contact for the entire conversation in fact, you probably shouldnt. A conversation is an exchange of ideas among spouses, not a cop interrogating a suspect. But be conscious of what your body is communicating. You may say youre listening while you glance at your phone or tap your foot. But your partner will know better. The body doesnt lie, Shore says. The reality is that when youre in a face-to-face conversation and your body says one thing and your voice says another, the person listening to you is always going to believe the body. Aman says good listeners show that theyre listening. They lean in, make eye contact, nod along, she says. Yes, they are patient and ask questions out of curiosity. They dont judge or offer advice. They keep the persons story at the center and refrain from switching to their relation to it.