What is the role of parents in adolescent life?

During adolescence, your relationship with your children changes. Little by little, you can feel your teens beginning to fly away from the family nest. Many teens become more secretive, and their friendships take on more importance. All this may have you wondering if you still have a place in their lives.

The answer is yes! Parents are crucially important during the teen years. The experts say so and teens agree: Parents of teenagers carry weight!

The family home is typically the main place where children and teenagers are raised. Parents can have a positive influence on the development, physical and mental health, and well-being of their teens. Teenagers who benefit from a lot of support and guidance at home are also less likely to:

• smoke;
• binge drink (more than 5 drinks at a time);
• use drugs;
• have sex for the first time at a young age (before age 15);
• have high levels of psychological distress.

The parents’ role is all the more important during transitional periods or changes (for example, starting high school, parents separating, declining grades, moving, etc.). Your teen is likely to learn a lot from these events, but they may also be in need of more support from their parents.

Regardless of the family type (two-parent, single-parent, blended, etc.), teens need support from their parents. Of course, you will need to adjust your parenting as you go along, because supporting and guiding your child does not mean the same thing at age 3, age 12, or even age 17.

What kinds of things do teenagers want to talk about? Generally, teenagers are interested in the following conversations:

• Family issues--Teens want to participate in decisions and be told about family problems.
• Controversial Issues--Teens have questions like “Why can’t I drink until I’m 21?”
• Emotional Concerns--Teens want to know how you really feel about things.
• The Big Why’s--Teens begin to have philosophical questions about issues like war and religion.
• The Future--Teens are curious and concerned about what they can expect from the future.
• Current Events--Teens have questions about what is going on in the world and in their community.
• Personal Interests--Teens really want you to show interest in their activities, music, sports, and friends.
• Parents’ Lives--Teens are curious about what things were like when you were their age, including emotions you had and mistakes you made.

All she wants to do is go out with her friends and spend time alone in her room. How can I talk with my teen?

• Don’t lecture, talk for hours, or ambush your teen.
• If your teen tells you a secret, keep it.
• Listen carefully to her concerns and feelings, and respect her views. Teens are often afraid of being lectured, punished, or not understood.
• Stress that your teenager can and should make choices about his behaviors, and is responsible for these decisions.
• Offer praise. Make a date to spend one-on-one time with your teen. Find something you both like to do.
• Tell your teen you love him. With all the changes he’s going through, he needs to hear it now more than ever.

Are you really listening to your adolescent?
Your messages to your adolescent may not be as clear as you think. To make sure you and your child are having the same conversation, communication should be interactive. Ask your adolescent what she wants to talk about. Adolescents often feel their parents aren’t listening and dominate conversations. Many parents believe they are talking to their kids about drugs; unfortunately, the majority of kids don’t remember these conversations. Parents need to be ready to talk when teens are, and not just when it is convenient for them.

Choose your battles.
Research shows only about 1 in 15 families have serious conflict that is harmful to the parent- adolescent relationship. Typically, parents and adolescent argue over chores, curfew, and appearance – issues that are really not that important. Parents need to choose their battles and decide what is worth fighting about. What would really happen if your child didn’t make his bed one morning? Wouldn’t your energy be better directed towards issues like school, sex, drugs, or alcohol?

All parents and adolescents fight. How can we resolve these conflicts?
Your goal as a parent should be to solve conflict in a positive way. Adolescents are more agreeable when they think you are considering their needs and when they are part of the resolution process. Here are some tips for good problem solving:

• Establish ground rules so it’s a fair fight.
• Agree to treat each other with respect and listen to each other’s point of view.
• Reach a mutual understanding. You should both have the opportunity to say what you think. Make sure the other person really gets what you’re saying. Be polite and clear. Use I statements, such as “I feel _____ when you ____.”
• Brainstorm together as many possible solutions as you can.
• Pick the options you like best, see where your interests coincide, and negotiate a solution you both think is acceptable.
• Keep in mind that arguments are very common in families with teens. However, most studies show that teens love their parents and value these relationships.

Chuckie Hessong
Family & Child Development Agent
Wildcat Extension District
Email  [email protected]
(620) 724-8233

For additional information, visit http://www.wildcatdistrict.k-state.edu/ or contact the Wildcat Extension District, Crawford County, 620-724-8233, Labette County, 620-784-5337, Montgomery County, 620-331-2690, Pittsburg Office, Expanded Food and Nutrition Education (EFNEP), 620-232-1930.

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